Spiralling

The last few days I've felt awful having anxiety at an all time high and panic attacks. I feel like the worst mum in the world.

My baby is 4 months old (nearly 5) and I wish so much that was little again. I get so jealous when I see people with newborns. I went out to the pub for the first time with him when he was a week old and had a drink. I had a C-section and totally failed at breastfeeding when he was 2 days old (just gave up didn't even think to Google any solutions or go to a breastfeeding councillor or call the health visitors/midwives) but I could go for a drink? I feel like the worst mum in the world. He deserves someone so much better.

My friend has a baby a month younger than me and she successfully breastfeeds and still won't go out for the day or leave him overnight. I left him overnight for the first time when he was three weeks old with my parents. I feel so ashamed for doing that. I should've stayed at home cuddling him.

I've been for a night out three or four times since he was born and I totally hate myself for it. I wish I was of those mums who doesn't want to go out. What's wrong with me.