I went on a night out and did cocaine

I'm posting this because I need to get it off my chest. I feel so genuinely disgusted and ashamed of myself.

I saw a friend for her birthday on Saturday. My partner was at home looking after the baby (fornula fed, I also feel incredibly guilty and awful about not breastfeeding but I guess that's another post).

As the night went on, drugs were produced and I did some. I felt so guilty and disgusted with myself on Sunday. I've genuinely been crying on and off since and have had a panic attack. My mental health has been awful recently. All I want is to be happy and enjoy my maternity leave but for some reason I feel so lonely and sad. I think this was a motivating factor behind doing some.

I can't believe I left my son (who I love more than anything on the world) at home to go out and do this. I don't want him to hate me. I feel like the worst mum in the world. I just want to be happy like everyone else. I wish I was the kind of mum who could be happy sitting inside.