DAE get cPTSD from a young age due to parental abuse, and you now realize you were bullied at school, too?

I was the quiet, lonely kid at school. I never really "got" being a kid. I used to just believe my parents that I was quiet and weird because that was just "me." But I was also so deeply lonely, so I don't think it was me. I think it was just the me that was dealing with a lot of crap that kids should never have to deal with.

But now that I'm looking back and trying to heal, I think I got bullied toward the end of elementary school because I wasn't fitting in. I just didn't process it because it seemed so "little" compared to what was going on at home.

I remember one really specific scenario that kind of "confirms" for me that I was bullied. It is one of the few memories I have of my middle school years. One boy was giving out invitations to his birthday party, and he made a show of it. I was the last person to get one. Then when I was looking at it, wondering why I got invited (because I wasn't friends with him at all, and it was past the age of "invite everyone in class" parties), he suddenly yanked it out of my hands and laughed at me, "You really thought I would invite you? I'd rather throw it in the trash than invite you." and he crumpled up the invitation and threw it in the trash while his friends laughed. I wasn't even hurt by it at the time. Just confused as to why he would even do that to me. But in retrospect, it was probably because I was being made fun of and bullied before that, and I just didn't even register it.

I remember a few other comments and such, but they just don't really have that "zing" because everything else was just so horrible. Like how you can even care if some kid says you're a loser when your own parents say and do far, far worse to you every single day? I remember that one. I have a callous on my ring finger because I hold my pencil in a vice grip, and I felt really self conscious about it. My teacher tried to make me feel better by showing that she had the same thing. I got all excited and said we were twins, and some other kid called me a loser and the whole class laughed.

It's just kind of weird to realize because school for me was always the "good" place, but I'm realizing now that it still wasn't a good place. I was deeply lonely, not treated kindly by the other kids, and the teachers doted on me I think because they could see I wasn't ok. And I'm not quite sure how I feel about this realization yet.