Typical Marriage Issues?

Bear with me as I’ve been frustrated for a while. This is my first time posting but I read this group’s posts multiple times a month. I’ve been with my husband for 18 years and both in our mid 30s with kids. I’ve felt lonely a lot in our marriage.

My husband is not an empathetic person. It doesn’t bother him when I cry, ever. It doesn’t bother him when I’m sad, mad, etc. It It has always bothered me but the older I get, the more immune I’ve become if it. I know he won’t change or can’t so I try to accept it. I do well most of the time expect when I’m really sad or sick. The week before my period is when I usually feel the worst. This is my current timeline. I’m mostly sad and very sensitive to everything. I cry in secret and don’t cry often. Or at least I assume it’s secret. I’m embarrassed to cry in front of him because of his lack of reaction. I don’t want him to see me as weak. I’m not a sobber, I’m very silent and get choked up and can’t talk. I know it sounds terrible but I’ve always been this way because of a hostile childhood.

I don’t confide in people often because of lack of trust and I don’t like when people feel sorry for me.

I’ve had diagnosed depression and anxiety since my early teen years and have taken meds since being diagnosed. I only went off when I was pregnant because I was too worried it would affect my babies.

I was diagnosed with adhd in my 30s. Also, on meds for that. I also don’t sleep well. Either too much or too little. I frequently can’t fall asleep until 4am. I try my best to do my best and I’m constantly try to improve as a person, wife, mother, etc. I’ve been to solo therapy, but still haven’t found someone who I’ve clicked with. We have also been to many marriage counseling sessions in the past but it’s been about two years since we’ve gone.

My husband’s resentments with me are I sleep in on the weekends and how I talk to him or my tone when I’m frustrated/mad/upset. I don’t try to sleep in and I’ve set alarms but I’m usually so exhausted because of lack of sleep and finally being able to fall asleep so late. I’ve also been a night owl my entire life. I’m also on meds for insomnia as well.

I don’t get sympathy from him on this but rather blamed because he “never” gets to sleep in. Our youngest wakes him up rather than me. I have an extremely hard time getting out of bed. A lot of this stems from their schedules as babies. I’d stay up late then he’d take the early shift. I really try to help problem solve with this, but it’s been a recurring issue.

He was a morning person for many years until recently. I will happily have both the kids sleep in bed with me so they don’t wake him and he sleeps in their room on the same level. We also have a spare bedroom in the basement and I have suggested so many times for him to sleep down there anytime he need uninterrupted sleep. His rebuttal is usually ‘why should I have to sleep there and not my own bed?’ As in, why is it my problem you have shitty sleep and can’t wake up. Then my option would be to sleep in the kids room and share a bunk bed with my youngest so again they wake me in the morning. I have hyper vigilance and hate disappointing people so I do my best to improve. Depression gets the best of me at times but he doesn’t remember that or empathize. I force myself to try to function as normal as I can when I want to do is lay in bed. I feel terrible guilt if I am like that.

My biggest frustration with him is feeling like a means to and end with sex. He generally only shows affection when he wants something. He knows I feel this way but disagrees with me. My desire is fueled by feeling emotionally connected to him which isn’t often, especially the last couple months. This makes him feel hurt and rejected which I understand and would probably feel the same. His love language is physical touch. Mine is words of affirmation and acts of service. I hate feeling pressured into sex. He will push and push the issue.

I also get extremely annoyed by our complete polar opposite of tidiness. It doesn’t bother him one bit. His car is often littered with garbage and stinks. I take care of and pride in my things and house. He has no interest in making it a home. No landscaping, no home improvements, etc. That all lands on me. He works and golfs. We fight constantly about equal balance in chores. He thinks it’s equal, I feel far from it. Yes, he helps with day to day. Makes meals, get kids ready, does bedtimes, child drop off, etc. The dishwasher is dirty but will put dishes in the sink until piled high. Doesn’t put away clean laundry until consumes the hallway and takes hours. We spend the majority of the weekends deep cleaning which I don’t want to do. I love to organize and try to make the systems as easy as possible to keep it tidy. He leaves garbages everywhere. I’m constantly throwing empty cans, bottles, wrappers etc. He doesn’t clean as he cooks. I don’t want to spend the weekends like this. I’d rather clean a little bit each day. Im so so tired of being the designated household manager. I carry the mental load of scheduling appts, activities, meal planning, grocery shopping, etc.

Is this lack of balance and disagreements normal in most marriages? We rarely celebrate our anniversary and don’t often do date nights. He is burnt out from work and hasn’t implemented anything to change. I started a new job with more flexibility and better pay because I was extremely burnt out for the past three years. He used to be my best friend and contribute to my happiness. I’m still physically attracted to him. We are a close family for the most part. He mentally checks out and mindlessly scrolls but he is aware and is working on it.

I don’t want to go through divorce and the messiness of time and money that comes with it. He would never leave because he is too stubborn and proud. But I often wonder if he subconsciously does these things to push me away and to initiate it. I can’t stand the thought of not seeing my kids everyday. I’m very family oriented and they will always come first. His job and hobbies are usually the first priority and then us. He is well aware I feel this way and knows he’s selfish, but doesn’t do much to fix it. Are men like this in general? I got married young and didn’t date around. I don’t want to leave one relationship to end up in the same thing in the future.