I might have the disorder

After a lot of research and subtle denial I think I could be diagnosed. I’ve been reading about defense mechanisms and the sense of self among narcissists. I’ve known for a while that I feel empty without some sort of external validation. Growing up, starting in my adolescent years I’ve would almost always feel fake deep down trying to impress and fit in. I’ve realized recently that I’m in a constant state of defensiveness (projection,displacement, and dissociation) that I try to control but that just makes it worse. Ive read somewhere that being able to recognize how you feel can help you stop seeking validation but I have so much trouble even doing just that. Shame and anger, I know they are both there but it’s almost like my mind just doesn’t allow me to experience them properly. I’ve learned to cope with some defensiveness and emotional distress through deep breathing and exercise but everyday just seems like a challenge