Holding back

A few months ago I sent my therapist an email and ended it by mentioning a self harm thing I did/do that I’ve never told anyone about. I was anxious about telling them, but pushed myself to just send it. It’s something I’m already really ashamed of and was really nervous to tell someone. They never brought it up in session and I was too scared too, but afterwards I felt even more ashamed that I told them and it felt like I was making a big deal out of nothing. I’m afraid they thought I told them as a way to get some kind of reaction out of them or to get attention, which is a massive reason why I hold back in therapy already.

I have been holding back a lot more and not being honest with them and I feel like I’m digging myself into a deeper and deeper hole every time I don’t tell them something. I feel really disconnected from them and I have no one to blame but myself. I feel immense shame that I ever even tried to open up about trauma and I’m contemplating canceling all future appointments. Even though the thought of not having them in my life would send me into a massive depressive episode. I don’t know what I’m even asking, but I just feel really confused and am really afraid of this relationship ending with me feeling distant from them when I used to feel extremely supported.