How to respond to "I'm not racist, my wife/girlfriend is Asian"

I've heard this phrase uttered by people online before, most recently regarding JD Vance and his South Asian wife. Even though something felt wrong about that statement, I never really thought too deeply about it because I figured it was just online talk. People say all sorts of stuff online they wouldn't say publicly in person.

However, recently I encountered this situation in real life. There's this white guy in my social circle (not my actual friend, just someone in my circle), who has a history of dating Asian girls. He also has a history of making microaggressive, racially insensitive remarks about Asia and Asians in general.

I brought this up with my social circle and another white guy said I was being too sensitive and that the white guy's girlfriend is Asian so he doesn't have racial bias against Asians. Most surprisingly, all the other Asians in my circle didn't speak up at all. This got me thinking about the problems with that statement and how to best respond.

The first issue is, can we assume that just because someone of another race is dating someone Asian, this proves they aren't racist? No, because guys will go to all sorts of lengths for sex. Dave Chappelle has a bit where he talks about how his mouth is racist and says a bunch of racist stuff, but his penis is a humanitarian. The rise of OnlyFans, sugar dating, porn, etc. just further proves this.

So a guy can be racist against Asians, but be dating/married to an Asian because he/she is providing him access to sex. He's benefiting from the relationship, that's why he's in it, not because he has so much respect for Asian culture. So the fact that he's with an Asian has zero correlation with how racist he is.

In fact, it might be a negative correlation because if he is dating/married to an Asian one would presume he would have some respect for Asian culture and avoid making racially insensitive remarks. But instead if he thinks dating an Asian gives him a pass to make racist comments about Asians, then he is just using his partner as some sort of badge of tolerance/diversity in order to shield himself from criticism.

Let's switch the races around. Let's say a white person was dating someone black. Does that mean it's OK to go around saying the n-word to a bunch of other black people? Obviously no, black people would never tolerate that. Why should we? We need to speak up and call out this behavior, and point out the flaws in the "I'm not racist, my wife/girlfriend is Asian" argument.

Having thought more deeply about this issue, I now know how to respond next time I hear someone utter this phrase. Hopefully, this will also help other Asians to be prepared and have a cogent argument if they encounter someone like this. If anyone else has any other talking points to counter this phrase, please post it in the comments below.