im a horrible friend

i did something fucking terrible. my friend disclosed to me that they had an std and told me to keep it between us. i told them i would, but then came the night of my birthday party. we had all taken magic mushrooms and had a bit of a trip. i was sitting in my bathroom with said friend and another friend from our friend group who i will call jared. my friend and i saw a vagina booger on the floor and i picked it up and threw it in the toilet, i got anxious that it was their’s and that i had given myself their std. they left the bathroom and it was just jared and i. i was feeling anxious and jared was wondering what was wrong, and in my drugged-up state, i closed the door behind us and softly told them the situation and why it made me anxious and i told them not to tell anyone. we all sobered up after awhile and just yesterday, jared called me and told me that my friend was very upset. i asked why and that’s when they hesitantly admitted that they told them that i said something about the std. i’ve now realized what i’ve done and that it is too late. I’m being ignored now after them letting me have it over text for disclosing personal information about them like that, which is very much deserved. but now I’m just so ashamed of myself. how could i do something like that?? why would i do something like that?? I’m so fucking stupid. I’m such a horrible fucking friend. everyone in the friend group is assuring me that this isn’t my fault, but it is. i went to the train tracks yesterday in hopes of getting hit by a train, but friends and my boyfriend called me nonstop to come home until i finally moved out of the way for the train not to hit me and went back home. i just don’t know how to exactly feel okay after being such a shitty friend. nothing matters anymore. they were such a good friend and we were so close and they were there for me so much and i decided to completely ruin it. I’m not asking for sympathy or anything, but i just needed to vent. i feel like going to the hospital at this point because these feelings of wanting to end it all aren’t going away, but i don’t want that to end up on my permanent record because i finally got a good paying job and i can’t risk losing it over mental health.