Oh the anger...

Oh the anger.

All the times I thought I was bad at sex, that I wasn't attractive enough, that just merely existing and doing things as a person wasn't good enough because I wasn't being a sexual object.

"How can he be attracted to me when I'm doing the dishes in sweatpants with my hair tied back? THIS IS PROBABLY AFFECTING HIM WANTING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME. ACT SEXY. DO SOMETHING ELSE."

Feeling I have to put my "acting face" on, and do an oscar winning performance, just because I want to be sexually intimate with my partner who I love. That we can't just have fun, intimate sex without me having to think of dialogue and a script beforehand, particular expressions I have to wear on my face, phrases, gestures and even then if he orgasms at all it's by his own hand.

Then I realised....... does he think THIS is attractive to me? Does he not worry that his porn brain is an absolute turn off? What about what I find attractive?

This is not attractive. A pathetic, juvenile little boy whose idea of a sex life is jacking off at his keyboard to images and videos.. He couldn't have a long term sex life with ANYBODY, it wouldn't matter if they were a 5ft 10 supermodel.

We're sexually intimate and I'm the functional one. I respond to his touch like y'know... someone alive? who has a beating heart and a nervous system?

Indulging in a sexual fantasy land for years has rendered him solitary and completely useless. He's trying. he's in therapy, we're working on intimacy, he's looking at his triggers and behaviours, but good lord I pity him.

He is a black hole who doesn't know or appreciate real intimacy. He hasn't experienced it, it's a mystery to him. His world is narrow and empty. He doesn't know the joy of being turned on by a full, complete person who you're in love with. The way someone laughs, their intelligence, what they mean to you, those are some of the biggest aphrodisiacs on earth possessed by everyone and he's about ass size, boob size and provocative clothes.

He knows the value of nothing and the joke is on him.