19, Depressed and struggling with finding motivation and disappointing parents.

I am a nineteen year old male and have been living with depression and anxiety since I was 14. For the past year and so since graduating I have been struggling immensely with motivating myself to do anything. I am currently in therapy one day every two weeks, I find it helps, yet I have suicidal thoughts every day.

My parents pressure me to find a job often, and rightfully so, I only work one day a week and I would like to find a part-time job, but I find it so incredibly difficult to make myself do anything. I also worry things will get worse if I feel even somewhat as mentally exhausted as I do after one day of work. I currently won’t even do or try to accomplish things I enjoy anymore. I’ve expressed my desire to achieve something with my life but also my feeling that my life is hopeless and fated to end with suicide or failure. I feel as though I’m just laying idle because I’m afraid of death and want to be as close to it as I can without actually committing suicide.

I want to die but to also succeed and my parents get frustrated with that contradiction and say I don’t actually want to die, which could be true but I’ve thought and planned out death before.

Anyways, I would also like to go to University for English Literature, but every time I start the application process I get overwhelmed, anxious and nihilistic at attempting to figure out the process. We are currently attempting to look for an ADHD diagnosis since we’ve expected I’ve had it since I was young. I also messed up a lot in High School and now have to upgrade a course for university and it’s gotten much more stressful and overwhelming to me for that. Not to mention even more damaging to my already weak self-image.

I feel so incredibly overwhelmed by life right now and like I’m a complete failure for my lack of a proper job, a pursuit in my interests, or going to university. I feel like life is not capable of getting better and it’s my fault for not motivating myself to do anything. Suicide is prominent on my mind and it frightens me that it feels like the easiest option for me. I guess I just feel like a complete mess up and I’m desperately searching for any sign that things can get better.